Perhaps Calories Provide Superpowers
Vane here. This is my first time writing an article of any sort; prepare to be wowed by my blatantly superior writing technique. *Gufaw*
One thing that really bugs me while playing EarthBound, or any RPG for that matter, are shopkeepers. Not just any shopkeeper, though; your average shopkeeper makes a perfectly fine, peaceful living by charging you ungodly amounts for wooden swords and yo-yos (Well, that in itself is rather *COUGHvery* annoying but that is not the issue I am addressing today, oh no). Y'see, it's those shopkeepers, who make a perfectly fine, peaceful living by charging you ungodly amounts for wooden swords and yo-yos out in the middle of nowhere.
For example, the man at the close end of Grapefruit Falls. Now, the only way to get in there is either up or down; it's doubtful he came from Belch's base or Saturn Valley. Because, you know, it's icky and werid, respectivley. However, to come from Threed, he would need to make it through the Zombie Tunnel. That in itself is a chore, and the fight with Mini-Barf tends to be rather difficult. Now let's assume he managed to dodge the undead creatures, and bribed the Mini-Barf with Fly Honey. BUT! In order to get Fly Honey, you must either beat up a large tent, or have a few No-Good Flies working in little factories in your backyard. Simply put, this man either has herculean strength, the abilty to fly, or a capitalistic, slave-driving mind like the world has ever seen before. After all, these flies are no good. We can assume that means they have no valuable workplace skills.
Case 2: The merchant in the middle of the Southern Scaraban Desert. Sure, he had a camel, but there are still UFOs, and Bookas, and snakes, I think, or maybe scorpions or scalpeloins or whatever they are called, or something. So unless this camel is some kind of Super Robo Camel with warp speed travel capabilities, and anti-grav flight, and rocket launchers and machine guns and vapourizing eye lasers and flame breath and the abilty to call in a tactical nuclear strike and the ability to change the space time continuom and... Hey, this is sounding pretty cool. I gotta get me one of those. I'll name him Fhqwhgads.
Point C: The Deep Darkness arms dealer. Come to think of it, he has rockets, bombs, jungle camoflamolage (Which I cannot spell), and years of experience in Combat Yo-yo-fu-fu-fu-ffff... Yeah, he could handle himself. Unless he ran out of matches, or lost his camelalmomalage or something.
So, really, if the world ever needs saving, why not call upon the helpful NPCs for asistance? They'd make good summons or something. Throw eggs or silver dollars at the enemies... or overdose them on cold medicine or something. Or Buckley's! Man, Buckley's. It tastes like vomit and provides you with more.
Speaking of Buckley's, I have a cold today. I could really go for some of that cough medicine from EarthBound. I'd gladly shell out ungodly amounts of money for something that cures me instantly in one gulp. What's in that stuff, tiny germ fighting robo-gnomes, or something? ...Y'know, I don't want tiny germ fighting robo-gnomes in my body. I'd probably use them for evil.
This is MadWilliamVane, signing off before I short out my keyboard with my nose fluids. Or... something.
Vane here. This is my first time writing an article of any sort; prepare to be wowed by my blatantly superior writing technique. *Gufaw*
One thing that really bugs me while playing EarthBound, or any RPG for that matter, are shopkeepers. Not just any shopkeeper, though; your average shopkeeper makes a perfectly fine, peaceful living by charging you ungodly amounts for wooden swords and yo-yos (Well, that in itself is rather *COUGHvery* annoying but that is not the issue I am addressing today, oh no). Y'see, it's those shopkeepers, who make a perfectly fine, peaceful living by charging you ungodly amounts for wooden swords and yo-yos out in the middle of nowhere.
For example, the man at the close end of Grapefruit Falls. Now, the only way to get in there is either up or down; it's doubtful he came from Belch's base or Saturn Valley. Because, you know, it's icky and werid, respectivley. However, to come from Threed, he would need to make it through the Zombie Tunnel. That in itself is a chore, and the fight with Mini-Barf tends to be rather difficult. Now let's assume he managed to dodge the undead creatures, and bribed the Mini-Barf with Fly Honey. BUT! In order to get Fly Honey, you must either beat up a large tent, or have a few No-Good Flies working in little factories in your backyard. Simply put, this man either has herculean strength, the abilty to fly, or a capitalistic, slave-driving mind like the world has ever seen before. After all, these flies are no good. We can assume that means they have no valuable workplace skills.
Case 2: The merchant in the middle of the Southern Scaraban Desert. Sure, he had a camel, but there are still UFOs, and Bookas, and snakes, I think, or maybe scorpions or scalpeloins or whatever they are called, or something. So unless this camel is some kind of Super Robo Camel with warp speed travel capabilities, and anti-grav flight, and rocket launchers and machine guns and vapourizing eye lasers and flame breath and the abilty to call in a tactical nuclear strike and the ability to change the space time continuom and... Hey, this is sounding pretty cool. I gotta get me one of those. I'll name him Fhqwhgads.
Point C: The Deep Darkness arms dealer. Come to think of it, he has rockets, bombs, jungle camoflamolage (Which I cannot spell), and years of experience in Combat Yo-yo-fu-fu-fu-ffff... Yeah, he could handle himself. Unless he ran out of matches, or lost his camelalmomalage or something.
So, really, if the world ever needs saving, why not call upon the helpful NPCs for asistance? They'd make good summons or something. Throw eggs or silver dollars at the enemies... or overdose them on cold medicine or something. Or Buckley's! Man, Buckley's. It tastes like vomit and provides you with more.
Speaking of Buckley's, I have a cold today. I could really go for some of that cough medicine from EarthBound. I'd gladly shell out ungodly amounts of money for something that cures me instantly in one gulp. What's in that stuff, tiny germ fighting robo-gnomes, or something? ...Y'know, I don't want tiny germ fighting robo-gnomes in my body. I'd probably use them for evil.
This is MadWilliamVane, signing off before I short out my keyboard with my nose fluids. Or... something.
